Dirty jokes 2
by McQueenfan95
Summary: More dirty jokes. Get ready to laugh. Rated for sex, alcohol, and language.


Hey readers. This is number five for this weekend. I wanted to post this for a reviewer that said I didn't use enough jokes in my last one. Anyway, here it is, Dirty jokes 2!

Toothy goes to school, and the teacher, Lumpy, says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

Toothy waves his hand, "Me, Mr. Moose, me, me!"

Lumpy nods and says "All right, Toothy, what is your multi-syllable word?"

Toothy says, "Mas-tur-bate."

Lumpy smiles and says, "Wow, Toothy, that's a mouthful."

Toothy says, "No, Mr. Moose, you're thinking of a blowjob".

A few months after his mother passed away, Cub passed by Pop's bedroom and saw him rubbing his body and moaning, "I need a woman, I need a woman!"

Over the next couple of months, he saw him doing this several times.

One day, he came home from school and heard moaning. When he peeked into Pop's bedroom, he saw a woman on top of him.

Cub ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

Giggles was not the best student in Sunday school.

Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Giggles, who created the universe?"

When Giggles didn't stir, Cuddles, seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted Giggles and the teacher said, "Very good" and Giggles fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Giggles, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, Giggles didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Cuddles came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted Giggles and the teacher said, "very good," and Giggles fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked Giggles a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Cuddles jabbed her with the pin. This time Giggles jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

The Teacher fainted.

Russel walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50 Chicken Sandwich: $2.50 Hand Job: $5.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive waitresses (Giggles) serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" Giggles enquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"

"I was wondering", Russel whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes" Giggles purrs "I am."

Russel replies "Well, wash your fucking hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

The teacher walks into the room and says... "OK class todays word is DEFINITLY, can anyone use the word in a sentence."

Petunia stands up and says "The sky is DEFINITLY blue."

The teacher says; "Not necessarily Petunia, it can be blue, gray, or black, but nice try."

Nutty is in the back of the room and is waving his hands back and forth.

The teacher says " Yes Nutty, What is it?"

Nutty says " I have a question."

"OK lets hear it", says the teacher.

Nutty says "Do Farts have lumps?"

The teacher says, "Well no they don't."

Nutty says "Well, then I DEFINITLY just shit my pants!"

One day, Petunia, Flaky and Giggles decide to go through their daughter's purses.

So, the Petunia goes through her daughter's purse and finds cigarettes. She says, "Oh my god, I'm so ashamed! My Daughter smokes."

So, Flaky goes through her daughter's purse and finds an empty can of beer. She says, "Oh my god I'm so ashamed! My daughter drinks."

So, finally, it's Giggles turn and she finds a used condom. She says, "Oh my god I'm so ashamed! My daughter has a penis."

It was the first day of a new school year.

Flippy, Cuddles and Handy arrive at class late and the teacher asks Flippy "Why are you tardy?" Flippy replies "I've been on Cherry Hill" the teacher said "Take your seat."

She asks Cuddles why he was late. "I was on Cherry Hill also" he replied.

Then she asked Handy, but he replied with the same answer.

As the boys we're sitting down a girl, a red and pink rabbit, walks in.

"Let me guess", said the teacher. "You where on Cherry Hill also"

"NO... I am Cherry Hill" replied the girl.

There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn't afford it and neither could there parents. So the parents said "We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married".

So they got married and all three daughters then said "I want a honeymoon but we cant afford it". The parents couldn't afford it either so they deiced they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.

So on there honeymoon night their mother woke up and deiced to go downstairs and get a drink. On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she juts ignored it. When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it. When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and deiced 2 ignore it.

The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter "Why were you screaming?". And the daughter replied "Well mother you told me 2 scream when something hurt."

Then the mother said to the second daughter "Why were you laughing last night?" and the daughter replied "Mother you told me to laugh when something tickled".

Then the mother said to the last daughter "Why didn't I hear anything coming from your room last night?" and the daughter replied "Well mother you told me never to talk with my mouth full".

Flaky was standing in the kitchen cooking dinner.

Her husband, Flippy, was in the living room drinking a beer and watching the game.

"Honey, you need to come in here and fix the fridge. The door is broke and if you don't fix it the food will go bad." Flaky said.

Flippy yells back, "Who do I look like? The GE man? I don't think so."

A little while later, Flaky says, "Honey, you need to fix the hall light, it's out."

"Who do I look like? An electrician? I don't think so " Flippy says.

A few minutes later Flaky says, "Honey, you need to fix the porch step before someone gets hurt on it."

Flippy quickly replies, "Who do I look like? A carpenter? I don't think so."

Frustrated, he gets up and leaves.

He decides to go to a bar down the road.

After the game was over, he began to feel slightly guilty for the way he treated Flaky, so he went on home.

He comes up the porch and realizes that the step is fixed.

He walked into the house and noticed that the hall light was fixed.

He walked into the kitchen to get a cold beer and noticed that the fridge was fixed.

Flippy sees his wife and says, "Babe, how did you fix all this."

She looked at him and said, "Well, after you left, I began to cry on the porch. Handy walked past and noticed I was crying and he asked me what he could do to help. He fixed everything. I asked him what I could do for payment. He said I could either bake him a cake or sleep with him."

Flippy says, "Well, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

Flaky looks at him and replies, "Who do I look like? Betty Crocker? I don't think so!"

One day, Cub's parents (Pop and Ma) got into a huge fight, Pop called the Ma a "bitch" and Ma called Pop a "bastard".

Cub walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".

The next day, Ma and Pop decided to have sex. Ma said, "feel my titties" and Pop said, "feel my dick".

Cub walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".

On Thanksgiving, Pop was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said. Cub came in and asked "What's that mean?" and Pop said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.

Downstairs, Ma was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "Fuck" she said. Once again Cub asked, "What's that mean?". Ma said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.

Then the door bell rang. Cub answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!

Russel, Toothy and Disco Bear walk into a bar.

After they drink a couple of beers, they are ready to leave, but the bartender, a generic tree friend, won't let them unless they have 12 inches of dick between them.

Russel whips his out and shows 6 inches.

Toothy drops his pants and shows 5 inches.

Finally, Disco Bear shows his 1 inch dick.

The bartender says "Ok, thats 12 inches you can go".

As the're walking away, Russel says to Disco Bear, "Thank god you had a boner or we'd still be there."

Spike, Prickly's father asked him, "Do you know about the birds and the bees?"

"I don't want to know!" Prickly said, bursting into tears.

Confused, Spike asked Prickly what was wrong.

"Oh dad," Prickly sobbed, "At age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really fuck, I've got nothing left to live for!"

One day the teacher walked to the back of the room where Cub was, and he had his hand down his pants.

The Teacher asked, "Cub, what are you doing?"

Then, Cub said, "It hurts down there."

"Well then, you need to go to the nurse and see if you can go home", said the teacher.

A little while later, Cub came back to classroom and sat back down.

Then the teacher came to the back of the room again, and he had his dick haging out of his pants.

The teacher said, "Cub, what's that doing hanging out of your pants?"

Then Cub said, "My daddy said if I can stick it out until noon, he'll come and pick me up."

One day, there was this little penguin named Tux. He had to go to the bathroom so he raised his hand and asked the teacher "can I go to the bathroom." she said no.

Then 5 mins later he raised his hand and said "dammit I have to piss. Can I go to the bathroom?"

She said "No. Not with that mouth."She said "now go to the corner and say your a,b,c' and backwards".

He went to the corner and said "a,b,c,d,e,f,g,h,i,j,k,l,m,n,o,q,r,s,t,u,v,w,x,y,z"

Then he said "z,y,x,w,v,u,t,s,r,q,o,n,m,l,k,j,i,h,g,f,e,d,c,b,a"

Then the teacher said "Where is the p."

Lil Tux said "Running down my leg."

Cub walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher.

She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an "r" after the first letter."

The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy."

A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Cub gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is.

Cub thinks hard and the says to the teacher, "I remember it has an "r" after the first letter."

"That's right!" she coaxed.

Then after a few seconds Cub says, "Mrs. Crunt?"

Flippy and Cuddles where walking down the street when they saw two dogs humping.

Cuddles said, "I wonder how much liquor it would take to get my wife to do it that way".

So they made a bet of 10 bucks on whose wife would do it on the lease amount of liqour.

After a week they met in a bar.

"Well", said Flippy "How much liquor did it take".

"A pint of whiskey", replied Cuddles.

Flippy said "You win, It took me a whole bottle just to get her out in the yard."

A large family were going to have Thanks Giving dinner togther.

The two grandma's of the family were sick of people eating the pudding the night before, so they hatched a plan.

They put BB Gun pellets in the pudding so they could see who ate it.

The next morning, Cuddles came down from his room and said "Grannie, Grannie, there were BBGun pellets in my pee pee last night."

Then Giggles came down and said "Grandma, there was BB Gun pellets in my pee last night."

Then Flippy came down yelling "Help! Help! I just shot Flaky in the mouth. She went down fine but came up with a hole going right through her tongue and out the side of her mouth!"

Lifty and Shifty decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the best plan. The next day they get to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks to their planning. Once inside the main vault they discover one wall is full of safety deposit boxes and start to work on them immediately. They drill and pry open the first box only to find a small container of vanilla pudding inside.

Lifty says, "Okay, well, at least we can eat it." So they eat the pudding. They drill and pry open up the second safety deposit box and there sits another pudding. They decide to devour it too.

Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have been opened. They didn't find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes. Disappointed, Shifty said, "Well, at least they left something for us to eat."

The next day, while listening to the news they hear:"Yesterday the largest SPERM bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group of people..."

Flippy went out and bought a new pair of boots.

He got home and tried to get Flaky to notice them, but she didn't. So he went in the bedroom, took off all his clothes, and came out wearing only the new boots.

"Notice anything?", He said.

"All I can see is a limp dick". She replied.

"Yes, but look at what its pointing at, My new boots". He said.

"Huh" she replied, "Then you should have bought a new hat"!

Disco Bear was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to VERY serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a guaranteed weight loss program. "Guaranteed my ass", he thought to himself, but desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there is a knock at his door and when he answers, there stands before him, Giggles dressed in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!"

Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business."

Giggles shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost ten pounds, as promised.

So, he calls the company and orders from them their 5 day/ 20 pound program. As expected, the next day there's a knock at the door and there stands Petunia, wearing nothing but running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

He's after her in a shot. This girl is in great shape and it takes a while to catch her, but when he does, it's worth every cramp and wheeze. She is by far the best he's ever had. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another twenty pounds as promised!

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7 day/50 pound loss program. "Are you sure," asks the representative on the phone, "this is our most rigorous program..." "Absolutely," he replies. "I haven't felt this great in years!"

The next day there is a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Fliqpy standing there wearing nothing but green racing spikes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine!".

That got enough jokes for ya? I hope so. That's all I got. G'Night readers.


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